Today marks the first of Spring, and my friend's new shoes have played a part in its sweet coming. It is a season of new beginnings, not just for nature's bounty, but for my good friend, too. She has weathered a long and arduous winter. A winter of the heart, if you will. Her marriage came to an abrupt end last February when her husband told her he needed a new place in his life, other than the one he had occupied beside her for so long.
It was a gut-wrenching situation.I watched as the couple walked up from their dock on the lake that chilly February day in 2005. He had told her that he needed to leave. As they made their way along the path to their house, I studied them both. I did not know what had transpired, but I knew it was not good. They moved with an air of despair. My friend had a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. She held her head down. As I would learn later, her heart had just been broken.
So, I stood by my friend. We spent hours talking on my back porch. Maybe the marriage could be repaired? Maybe if he had more time to think about things, he would reconsider? But no, reconsideration and repair were not options. He was determined to travel a new road.
As the weeks unfolded, I saw my friend take a journey, too. She traveled to a dark place where one struggles alone with the issues of the human heart. How did this happen? What signals did I not not see? What did I not hear?
I did not have any answers for my friend. I only saw the sorrow and the anger and the questions and the fear of the unknown and of being alone shaking her heretofore sure and firm foundation. So, I said, "Enough. Let him go and let your healing begin."
And that's what she did.
Some weeks later, we sat in her bedroom. My friend had been taking a nap in the bed that was now too full of unfilled space. The folding doors to the bedroom closet where he kept his clothes were open; the closet, empty. I studied the wire hangers. Just like my friend's heart, they were askew, left holding nothing.
Months then passed. Legal papers were signed. Property was divided. Photographs were put away. Holidays were endured.
And then, just the other day, the most amazing thing happened. With all its hope and promise, Spring was showing itself - a touch of green was appearing here and there.
With the purchase of a new pair of shoes, a healing season for my friend's heart was emerging, too. She modeled the soft, suede mules with the lavender hue and the pointy toes and the perky heels.
"He wouldn't have liked them," she said. No, he wouldn't have. They were too trendy.
My friend took off one shoe, and then other.
"But you know what?" she said, tossing them in the closet that once stood so empty. "I like them."
Welcome, my friend, to your own sweet Spring.
Visions Anew Institute
Divorce is Challenging
Monday, November 14, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
The "F" Word in Divorce
What do Benjamin Franklin, Mahatma Gandhi, and Tyler Perry all have in common? Does this sound like the start of a bad joke? It’s not. All three of these iconic personalities who transcend historical boundaries of time, culture, and heritage have commented on the importance of one item.
Ben Franklin said, “The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness…”
Mahatma Gandhi said, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
Tyler Perry said, “It's simple: when you haven't forgiven those who've hurt you, you turn your back against your future. When you do forgive, you start walking forward.”
Those are pretty powerful words for a powerful force.
I’m fairly confident that I wouldn’t have gotten through my divorce positively without being able to forgive my ex-. Prior to forgiving him, I was angry, bitter, resentful, and full of revenge. Sound familiar? I realized one day that this was no way to live. I don’t want to make this sound like all sunshine and roses, but I was tired of my mental reel playing out my little revenge scenario. It was only hurting me, and my outlook on life, which certainly impacted my kids. When I decided to forgive him, life changed immediately. My whole outlook changed. I felt it. People noticed it.
If someone has ‘crossed’ you, and you have yet to forgive, I would dare to say that you are still angry. You are still mad. You think about it constantly. It keeps you up at night. You can’t seem to let it go. You brood about it. You may turn to vices to help you get through it. You remember every detail of the ‘infraction’ and you relive it and rehash it over and over. All this serves to do is create stress and strife in your life. It affects your health. It affects your emotions. Is it worth it?
Enter the power of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a selfish act. Think about it. When you choose to forgive someone, it’s a decision that you make, and then you feel better. The other person doesn’t have to give you permission to forgive. The other person doesn’t have to accept your forgiveness. You alone are in control of having the power to decide to forgive. How awesome is that?
People say to me, “I’m not ready to forgive yet because I don’t want that person to get away with it (whatever ‘it’ might be).” There is a popular misconception that if you forgive someone that it means he isn’t going to be held accountable for his actions. That is actually irrelevant. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you aren’t going to hold that person accountable. It doesn’t mean that you are going to let that person walk all over you. It doesn’t mean that there won’t be consequences for his actions. It does mean that you are choosing to not dwell on it every day and let anger consume your every thought.
I am repeatedly asked, “Please teach me how to forgive.” I don’t know how to do that. I wish I did. I want everyone to feel the liberation and peace that comes with forgiveness. Some people like to “own” their anger. They make it a part of their life story and frankly enjoy carrying the burden. I think that’s a crazy load to carry. I tell people that forgiveness will happen if they are open to dropping some of the anger and looking forward to the future, instead of dwelling on the past.
The power of forgiveness allows you to feel peace. It doesn’t mean you aren’t still going to face noise, trouble or hard work. It does mean you can be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart.
Arguably the best-known scholar on forgiveness is Lewis Smedes (1921-2002). Smedes was a professor of Theology and a renowned Christian author who wrote the incredibly popular book, “Forgive and Forget.” He said, “Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. If you twist it into something it was never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator. Forgiving seems almost unnatural. Our sense of fairness tells us people should pay for the wrong they do. But forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule.”
I challenge you to focus on forgiveness and do all you can to ‘break nature’s rule!’
Adapted from “The High Road Has Less Traffic: honest advice on the path through love and divorce” Author Monique A. Honaman wrote “The High Road Has Less Traffic” in response to a need for a book that provided honest, real, and raw advice about how to survive and thrive through one of life’s toughest journeys. The book is available at www.HighRoadLessTraffic.com and on Amazon.com. Monique can be reached at Monique@HighRoadLessTraffic.com.
Monique Honaman
Author, The High Road Has Less Traffic
www.highroadlesstraffic.com
770-855-7225 (m)
Monique@highroadlesstraffic.com
Twitter: @highroadthebook
Facebook: www.facebook.com/highroadlesstraffic
Ben Franklin said, “The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness…”
Mahatma Gandhi said, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
Tyler Perry said, “It's simple: when you haven't forgiven those who've hurt you, you turn your back against your future. When you do forgive, you start walking forward.”
Those are pretty powerful words for a powerful force.
I’m fairly confident that I wouldn’t have gotten through my divorce positively without being able to forgive my ex-. Prior to forgiving him, I was angry, bitter, resentful, and full of revenge. Sound familiar? I realized one day that this was no way to live. I don’t want to make this sound like all sunshine and roses, but I was tired of my mental reel playing out my little revenge scenario. It was only hurting me, and my outlook on life, which certainly impacted my kids. When I decided to forgive him, life changed immediately. My whole outlook changed. I felt it. People noticed it.
If someone has ‘crossed’ you, and you have yet to forgive, I would dare to say that you are still angry. You are still mad. You think about it constantly. It keeps you up at night. You can’t seem to let it go. You brood about it. You may turn to vices to help you get through it. You remember every detail of the ‘infraction’ and you relive it and rehash it over and over. All this serves to do is create stress and strife in your life. It affects your health. It affects your emotions. Is it worth it?
Enter the power of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a selfish act. Think about it. When you choose to forgive someone, it’s a decision that you make, and then you feel better. The other person doesn’t have to give you permission to forgive. The other person doesn’t have to accept your forgiveness. You alone are in control of having the power to decide to forgive. How awesome is that?
People say to me, “I’m not ready to forgive yet because I don’t want that person to get away with it (whatever ‘it’ might be).” There is a popular misconception that if you forgive someone that it means he isn’t going to be held accountable for his actions. That is actually irrelevant. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you aren’t going to hold that person accountable. It doesn’t mean that you are going to let that person walk all over you. It doesn’t mean that there won’t be consequences for his actions. It does mean that you are choosing to not dwell on it every day and let anger consume your every thought.
I am repeatedly asked, “Please teach me how to forgive.” I don’t know how to do that. I wish I did. I want everyone to feel the liberation and peace that comes with forgiveness. Some people like to “own” their anger. They make it a part of their life story and frankly enjoy carrying the burden. I think that’s a crazy load to carry. I tell people that forgiveness will happen if they are open to dropping some of the anger and looking forward to the future, instead of dwelling on the past.
The power of forgiveness allows you to feel peace. It doesn’t mean you aren’t still going to face noise, trouble or hard work. It does mean you can be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart.
Arguably the best-known scholar on forgiveness is Lewis Smedes (1921-2002). Smedes was a professor of Theology and a renowned Christian author who wrote the incredibly popular book, “Forgive and Forget.” He said, “Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. If you twist it into something it was never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator. Forgiving seems almost unnatural. Our sense of fairness tells us people should pay for the wrong they do. But forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule.”
I challenge you to focus on forgiveness and do all you can to ‘break nature’s rule!’
Adapted from “The High Road Has Less Traffic: honest advice on the path through love and divorce” Author Monique A. Honaman wrote “The High Road Has Less Traffic” in response to a need for a book that provided honest, real, and raw advice about how to survive and thrive through one of life’s toughest journeys. The book is available at www.HighRoadLessTraffic.com and on Amazon.com. Monique can be reached at Monique@HighRoadLessTraffic.com.
Monique Honaman
Author, The High Road Has Less Traffic
www.highroadlesstraffic.com
770-855-7225 (m)
Monique@highroadlesstraffic.com
Twitter: @highroadthebook
Facebook: www.facebook.com/highroadlesstraffic
Friday, August 5, 2011
Visions Anew Supports Divorcing Attorneys
By Carla Schiff, Esq. Stern & Edlin PC
“You can’t come to work and just boo hoo” said Debra Chambers, an attorney with Swift Currie McGhee & Hiers LLP, who recently finalized her difficult divorce. In addition to the apprehensions of being a lawyer who is now the client in an unfamiliar area of the law, women lawyers, like everyone else, have to deal with the emotional side when they go through a divorce.
“There’s so much pressure, it’s got to come out somewhere,” said Chambers. Hibernating in her office with the door closed wasn’t enough.
Chambers attended a weekend retreat for women with Visions Anew, a nonprofit, 501(c)3 corporation dedicated to providing support for individuals, primarily women, going through a divorce. Once arriving at the retreat, entitled “Divorce Survival Weekend,” Chambers had misgivings about being there and would have left but for a snowstorm. She was glad she stayed.
“Rise above.” This was the powerful message delivered by Visions Anew CEO and Founder, Margot Swann. As the weekend progressed, Chambers was able to share her story in a comfortable, nonjudgmental and confidential environment. By the end of the weekend, Chambers was able to let go.
Lynn Sturges, an attorney with The Law Office of Lynn H. Sturges, attended a Visions Anew retreat because of her divorce, also found a “safe outlet to tell [her] story,” as did Deborah Ebel, an attorney with McKenna Long & Aldridge LLP, who noted, “very few people want to be bothered listening to your tale of woe; even family and friends tune out after a while. . . . Even those of use who consider ourselves ‘tough cookies’ need a place to break down.”
Michelle Araúz, an attorney with SunTrust who also attended a Divorce Survival Weekend, said, “as an attorney you are very good at the business side of things, you have success in your job, success in your life, how could you fail?” Araúz recognizes, “As a female attorney, you just can’t fall apart, you don’t have the luxury to check out.” Araúz knew that with young child, she could not fall apart or check out at home either.
When Araúz drove up to her Visions Anew retreat, she was immediately greeted as she drove up by a Visions Anew alumnus, who carried her bags to her room. For this “self sufficient female attorney, this wasn’t necessary but it really helped to feel taken care of.”
At Visions Anew retreats, retreat alumni cook the meals and work to make new attendees feel at home, showing that there is life after divorce. While some of the programs involve empowering information from legal, financial and therapeutic experts, other programs allow time to share and listen. Some attendees come ready to share, while others come to listen.
Ebel, who came to a retreat with a healthy does of skepticism, was surprised that she found herself actually participating, sharing and even “letting loose” as the retreat ended with Zumba dancing.
There’s no question that going through a divorce is “extremely distracting and overwhelming, “ said Sturges. Indeed, presenteeism—the problem of employees being on the job but not fully productive due to illness, conflicts at home or other stressors, “appears to be a much costlier problem than its productivity –reducing counterpart, absenteeism.” This is known all too well by any attorney with a crucial staff member going through a divorce.
Recognizing that many employees cannot afford to attend a Visions Anew retreat or seminar, Visions Anew has created a unique, panel presentation, cleverly entitled “Divorce-Proofing Your Marriage and Helping a Divorcing Friend,” which educates men and women about various aspects of the divorce process in house. In April, Visions Anew presented a similar program for the 9,000 employees at the Centers for Disease Control.
Visions Anew also encourages employers to incorporate their services into their Employee Assistance Programs by providing a confidential subsidy for employees to attend a seminar or a retreat with the goal of helping to mitigate the presenteeism caused by divorce.
“You can’t come to work and just boo hoo” said Debra Chambers, an attorney with Swift Currie McGhee & Hiers LLP, who recently finalized her difficult divorce. In addition to the apprehensions of being a lawyer who is now the client in an unfamiliar area of the law, women lawyers, like everyone else, have to deal with the emotional side when they go through a divorce.
“There’s so much pressure, it’s got to come out somewhere,” said Chambers. Hibernating in her office with the door closed wasn’t enough.
Chambers attended a weekend retreat for women with Visions Anew, a nonprofit, 501(c)3 corporation dedicated to providing support for individuals, primarily women, going through a divorce. Once arriving at the retreat, entitled “Divorce Survival Weekend,” Chambers had misgivings about being there and would have left but for a snowstorm. She was glad she stayed.
“Rise above.” This was the powerful message delivered by Visions Anew CEO and Founder, Margot Swann. As the weekend progressed, Chambers was able to share her story in a comfortable, nonjudgmental and confidential environment. By the end of the weekend, Chambers was able to let go.
Lynn Sturges, an attorney with The Law Office of Lynn H. Sturges, attended a Visions Anew retreat because of her divorce, also found a “safe outlet to tell [her] story,” as did Deborah Ebel, an attorney with McKenna Long & Aldridge LLP, who noted, “very few people want to be bothered listening to your tale of woe; even family and friends tune out after a while. . . . Even those of use who consider ourselves ‘tough cookies’ need a place to break down.”
Michelle Araúz, an attorney with SunTrust who also attended a Divorce Survival Weekend, said, “as an attorney you are very good at the business side of things, you have success in your job, success in your life, how could you fail?” Araúz recognizes, “As a female attorney, you just can’t fall apart, you don’t have the luxury to check out.” Araúz knew that with young child, she could not fall apart or check out at home either.
When Araúz drove up to her Visions Anew retreat, she was immediately greeted as she drove up by a Visions Anew alumnus, who carried her bags to her room. For this “self sufficient female attorney, this wasn’t necessary but it really helped to feel taken care of.”
At Visions Anew retreats, retreat alumni cook the meals and work to make new attendees feel at home, showing that there is life after divorce. While some of the programs involve empowering information from legal, financial and therapeutic experts, other programs allow time to share and listen. Some attendees come ready to share, while others come to listen.
Ebel, who came to a retreat with a healthy does of skepticism, was surprised that she found herself actually participating, sharing and even “letting loose” as the retreat ended with Zumba dancing.
There’s no question that going through a divorce is “extremely distracting and overwhelming, “ said Sturges. Indeed, presenteeism—the problem of employees being on the job but not fully productive due to illness, conflicts at home or other stressors, “appears to be a much costlier problem than its productivity –reducing counterpart, absenteeism.” This is known all too well by any attorney with a crucial staff member going through a divorce.
Recognizing that many employees cannot afford to attend a Visions Anew retreat or seminar, Visions Anew has created a unique, panel presentation, cleverly entitled “Divorce-Proofing Your Marriage and Helping a Divorcing Friend,” which educates men and women about various aspects of the divorce process in house. In April, Visions Anew presented a similar program for the 9,000 employees at the Centers for Disease Control.
Visions Anew also encourages employers to incorporate their services into their Employee Assistance Programs by providing a confidential subsidy for employees to attend a seminar or a retreat with the goal of helping to mitigate the presenteeism caused by divorce.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Mediator Changed Hats
I met with a young couple for mediation. They were referred by their couples therapist who had worked with them for several months. I explained the process of mediation and noticed how kind they were to each other. They had young children and were both working hard to put the children first in the mediation. They did not seem to be ready to "call it quits."
In the second session, I said, "I need to take my mediator hat off for a few minutes and put on my psychotherapist hat. I think I would be remiss in not telling you that I don't think you are ready to divorce. You look like you really love each other. I'm impressed with the way that you treat each other and think it would be a good idea to continue with your therapist to help put the relationship back on the right track. Of course, if I'm incorrect, I will proceed with the mediation. It's your call."
They looked at each other, then looked at me and said, "We'll give her a try." I got a call later from their therapist who said that they agreed with me and wanted to work on improving their marriage.
Oftentimes, relationships get stale. That's normal. There are many ways to revitalize them. I'm glad they chose that path!
Sharman Colosetti, LCSW, PhD
315 W. Ponce de Leon Ave., Suite 621
Decatur, GA 30030
www.drsharman.com
404.518.0828
In the second session, I said, "I need to take my mediator hat off for a few minutes and put on my psychotherapist hat. I think I would be remiss in not telling you that I don't think you are ready to divorce. You look like you really love each other. I'm impressed with the way that you treat each other and think it would be a good idea to continue with your therapist to help put the relationship back on the right track. Of course, if I'm incorrect, I will proceed with the mediation. It's your call."
They looked at each other, then looked at me and said, "We'll give her a try." I got a call later from their therapist who said that they agreed with me and wanted to work on improving their marriage.
Oftentimes, relationships get stale. That's normal. There are many ways to revitalize them. I'm glad they chose that path!
Sharman Colosetti, LCSW, PhD
315 W. Ponce de Leon Ave., Suite 621
Decatur, GA 30030
www.drsharman.com
404.518.0828
Friday, June 3, 2011
Mediation’s Most Common Mistake
By JoAnne Donner, Mediator/Mediation Coach
President, Mediation Services of Georgia, Inc.
One of the most common comments I hear when talking to people about their experience in mediation is, “I just wanted to get it over with.” I hear that with both sadness and concern.
When someone participates in a mediation session, that day is one of the most important days of their life. The decisions made that day affect their and their family’s financial well-being, emotional health, and overall lifestyle. The day of your mediation session is not the time to be vulnerable to the pressures of a fast-moving and potentially overwhelming process. It is the time to be prepared, focused and informed.
If you are going into mediation represented by counsel, make sure your attorney takes the time to prepare you in detail for the mediation process. If you are going into mediation pro se, or without counsel, make sure you enlist the services of a mediation coach who will meet with you several days before your mediation session to familiarize you with the traps, tactics and techniques of mediation. A professional mediation coach will listen to you talk about “your side of the story” from a neutral, impartial perspective and help you prepare, practice and polish the presentation of your story. What you say in your mediation session should serve you well and strategically move you along to your targeted outcome.
Maintaining focus throughout the mediation session is a key to reaching a desirable resolution and something your coach can help you with. There are techniques you can use to re-focus your attention if you find yourself tiring and heading for a sinking spell. There are also strategies you can use if the session, itself, loses focus and begins heading down side paths that are counterproductive. One of these tactics is to consider asking for a break. A break at the right time can revitalize you. It can also break the momentum of a discussion that is overwhelming you or not heading your way.
Being prepared for mediation and being knowledgeable about the dynamics of the process can make the difference between a mediation outcome you are pleased with or a mediation outcome that sadly misses the mark in meeting your financial and emotional needs. Get the preparation you deserve. Your future could depend on it.
Mediator/Mediation Coach JoAnne Donner is the President of Mediation Services of Georgia; www,mediationservicesga.com; info@mediationservicesga.com; 770/842-9400.
President, Mediation Services of Georgia, Inc.
One of the most common comments I hear when talking to people about their experience in mediation is, “I just wanted to get it over with.” I hear that with both sadness and concern.
When someone participates in a mediation session, that day is one of the most important days of their life. The decisions made that day affect their and their family’s financial well-being, emotional health, and overall lifestyle. The day of your mediation session is not the time to be vulnerable to the pressures of a fast-moving and potentially overwhelming process. It is the time to be prepared, focused and informed.
If you are going into mediation represented by counsel, make sure your attorney takes the time to prepare you in detail for the mediation process. If you are going into mediation pro se, or without counsel, make sure you enlist the services of a mediation coach who will meet with you several days before your mediation session to familiarize you with the traps, tactics and techniques of mediation. A professional mediation coach will listen to you talk about “your side of the story” from a neutral, impartial perspective and help you prepare, practice and polish the presentation of your story. What you say in your mediation session should serve you well and strategically move you along to your targeted outcome.
Maintaining focus throughout the mediation session is a key to reaching a desirable resolution and something your coach can help you with. There are techniques you can use to re-focus your attention if you find yourself tiring and heading for a sinking spell. There are also strategies you can use if the session, itself, loses focus and begins heading down side paths that are counterproductive. One of these tactics is to consider asking for a break. A break at the right time can revitalize you. It can also break the momentum of a discussion that is overwhelming you or not heading your way.
Being prepared for mediation and being knowledgeable about the dynamics of the process can make the difference between a mediation outcome you are pleased with or a mediation outcome that sadly misses the mark in meeting your financial and emotional needs. Get the preparation you deserve. Your future could depend on it.
Mediator/Mediation Coach JoAnne Donner is the President of Mediation Services of Georgia; www,mediationservicesga.com; info@mediationservicesga.com; 770/842-9400.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
The key to a successful divorce is a successful parenting plan!
Who gets the house, the 401(k), the cars, and banks accounts are all tough decisions. Dealing with the division of time between children is not only the toughest, but the most emotional. I’m going to tell you how to clear the clout and confusion from this process and give you a couple unique ideas so both sides can be happy, yes both sides!
First, understand what is important to your spouse and what are the important bonds that your soon-to-be ex and the children share. Second, how can you utilize this connection he shares to gain something you value with your children. Example: John and Jane are married with two sons Jimmy and Jake. John loves coaching the boys’ basketball team. John is very hard headed when it comes to the parenting plan and he will not budge. He wants the kids every weekend, no if, ands, or buts about it. He tells you that if you don’t’ like it then take it up with the judge. You are scared because you don’t want this to go to a judge/court as you feel the boys best interests won’t be heard. The boys love spending time with their father, but you don’t think the court needs to be the last word. You could make a recommendation that the boys can stay with him on Tuesday’s every other week since basketball practice is that evening, making it easier for the both of you. I would think this will open his mind to other options such as taking them every other weekend or something that is more in line with your needs. All you did was bring something to the table that exclusively helped him and unique to his needs!
Be creative during the divorce process and you might find more of what you are looking for!!!
-David Miller CFP® CDFA℠
First, understand what is important to your spouse and what are the important bonds that your soon-to-be ex and the children share. Second, how can you utilize this connection he shares to gain something you value with your children. Example: John and Jane are married with two sons Jimmy and Jake. John loves coaching the boys’ basketball team. John is very hard headed when it comes to the parenting plan and he will not budge. He wants the kids every weekend, no if, ands, or buts about it. He tells you that if you don’t’ like it then take it up with the judge. You are scared because you don’t want this to go to a judge/court as you feel the boys best interests won’t be heard. The boys love spending time with their father, but you don’t think the court needs to be the last word. You could make a recommendation that the boys can stay with him on Tuesday’s every other week since basketball practice is that evening, making it easier for the both of you. I would think this will open his mind to other options such as taking them every other weekend or something that is more in line with your needs. All you did was bring something to the table that exclusively helped him and unique to his needs!
Be creative during the divorce process and you might find more of what you are looking for!!!
-David Miller CFP® CDFA℠
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Spotting Abusive Tactics
By Amy Bear, LPC
www.HeartwiseCounseling.com
Every individual in an intimate partnership has different needs, interests and personality traits. It’s unrealistic for one partner to assume the other partner will consistently meet expectations. A normal, healthy relationship between two adults may include a difference of opinion, arguments or making statements later regretted. However, it’s not normal – or healthy - when one partner always has to be right and lacks consideration for the desires, feelings and well-being of the other partner.** Here are some typical types of intimate partner abuse:
Neglect: Seldom being available for quality time together. Making plans and then canceling them at the last minute or not meeting promises.
Extreme selfishness: Making decisions exclusively based on his own needs and desires. Not including the welfare, wants and desires of the partner or children.
Being secret as to whereabouts: Staying out until late at night or overnight and refusing to disclose where he has been or getting angry when questioned.
Blaming: Refusing to accept responsibility for his or her behavior. Whatever happens is always the fault of the other partner.
Rage attacks and criticism: Making personal attacks against his partner, such as her way of doing things or criticizing her body.
Bullying and controlling behavior: Controlling what his partner does, who her friends are, what she spends, where she works, where she goes. There may be excessive questioning, angry accusations, harassment and badgering.
Public humiliation: Embarrassing his partner in public by criticizing her or bringing up personal matters. Making jokes about subjects he knows make his partner feel vulnerable.
Destruction of personal or family property: Throwing items, smashing glasses or dishes, punching holes in the wall, breaking his partner’s possessions.
Shifting sands: Sending out conflicting and contradictory messages or changing moods and emotional positions frequently and unpredictably. The partner has no clear idea of what is coming next or what she has done to evoke such behaviors.
Gaslighting: This is a term coined in the classic 1944 film Gaslight, in which the lead character comes to doubt her sanity as her husband deliberately manipulates her reality.
Extramarital Affairs: Covertly or openly having affairs or inappropriate relationships.
Inducing fear: Intentionally frightening his partner, such as driving at high speeds when she is in the car or making threats.
Physical abuse: This can range from unwanted touching to pushing and shoving to hitting or choking. Sexual abuse includes demanding sex, forced sex, and sexual humiliation.
Parental alienation: Criticizing his partner in front of their children, lying to the children to turn them against their other parent.
These typical types of abuse are by no means the full extent of ways that abusers can hurt their partners. People who are abusive can get creative in their methods of harm. Regardless of the means, a hallmark of people who commit abuse toward others is that they refuse to take responsibility and often claim the partner deserved it.
If you or someone you know has experienced emotional or physical abuse, I encourage you to seek help. No one deserves to be abused.
** Intimate partner abuse can happen in any couple whether they are opposite sex, same-sex, unmarried, married or in a civil union, and regardless of gender, age, religious or spiritual orientation, disability, or racial, ethnic or cultural identity. People who abuse their partners can be male or female.
www.HeartwiseCounseling.com
Every individual in an intimate partnership has different needs, interests and personality traits. It’s unrealistic for one partner to assume the other partner will consistently meet expectations. A normal, healthy relationship between two adults may include a difference of opinion, arguments or making statements later regretted. However, it’s not normal – or healthy - when one partner always has to be right and lacks consideration for the desires, feelings and well-being of the other partner.** Here are some typical types of intimate partner abuse:
Neglect: Seldom being available for quality time together. Making plans and then canceling them at the last minute or not meeting promises.
Extreme selfishness: Making decisions exclusively based on his own needs and desires. Not including the welfare, wants and desires of the partner or children.
Being secret as to whereabouts: Staying out until late at night or overnight and refusing to disclose where he has been or getting angry when questioned.
Blaming: Refusing to accept responsibility for his or her behavior. Whatever happens is always the fault of the other partner.
Rage attacks and criticism: Making personal attacks against his partner, such as her way of doing things or criticizing her body.
Bullying and controlling behavior: Controlling what his partner does, who her friends are, what she spends, where she works, where she goes. There may be excessive questioning, angry accusations, harassment and badgering.
Public humiliation: Embarrassing his partner in public by criticizing her or bringing up personal matters. Making jokes about subjects he knows make his partner feel vulnerable.
Destruction of personal or family property: Throwing items, smashing glasses or dishes, punching holes in the wall, breaking his partner’s possessions.
Shifting sands: Sending out conflicting and contradictory messages or changing moods and emotional positions frequently and unpredictably. The partner has no clear idea of what is coming next or what she has done to evoke such behaviors.
Gaslighting: This is a term coined in the classic 1944 film Gaslight, in which the lead character comes to doubt her sanity as her husband deliberately manipulates her reality.
Extramarital Affairs: Covertly or openly having affairs or inappropriate relationships.
Inducing fear: Intentionally frightening his partner, such as driving at high speeds when she is in the car or making threats.
Physical abuse: This can range from unwanted touching to pushing and shoving to hitting or choking. Sexual abuse includes demanding sex, forced sex, and sexual humiliation.
Parental alienation: Criticizing his partner in front of their children, lying to the children to turn them against their other parent.
These typical types of abuse are by no means the full extent of ways that abusers can hurt their partners. People who are abusive can get creative in their methods of harm. Regardless of the means, a hallmark of people who commit abuse toward others is that they refuse to take responsibility and often claim the partner deserved it.
If you or someone you know has experienced emotional or physical abuse, I encourage you to seek help. No one deserves to be abused.
** Intimate partner abuse can happen in any couple whether they are opposite sex, same-sex, unmarried, married or in a civil union, and regardless of gender, age, religious or spiritual orientation, disability, or racial, ethnic or cultural identity. People who abuse their partners can be male or female.
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